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| The fireworks from New Year's. (I'm aware it's June) |
It's been a minute since I've been here. Last I wrote here was in the spring of 2024. I look back at the posts I was writing, looking for the commonality between them. A lot of the time I worried about things—uni, work, creativity. Now, I feel like the list of worries has shrunk, at least by a little. Lots has happened since the last time I took the time to write.
April saw the end of my studies (at long last!). It was such a surreal feeling to graduate. To finally pass. The thesis was, for a long time, a source of anxiety and frustration for me. There was always "something" that needed to be changed, something to be added. Before I had realised it, the thesis work had occupied all of spring last year. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't finish my degree in time.
So, I decided to work on it in the fall instead. I know that my study methods aren't the best (they probably never have been), but I was so hellbent on doing this that I powered through the best I could. All the tears, all the frustrations.
I came to the thesis defence at the end of last year in early December. A day I can barely recall now, but I remember the grade and the feeling that came along with it. A passing grade, the first step in the right direction. But even though one step was completed, there were still things to be done to my thesis. I worked on it all through the New Year and finally finished my draft, losing sleep but at long last finished. This is okay. I've done the best I can, I thought. The worst that could happen (and it did ultimately happen) was that I'd have to redo it, but even then I'd be given the chance to work on it further. I didn't pass in January, but I had a second chance in March to make all the changes.
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| A few spring polaroids I took a while back. |
Then came March. My friend and I stayed up late the night before the thesis was due, going through it section by section to make sure it was perfect. I submitted it, feeling a small weight lift off my shoulders. There wasn't more I could do now besides wait. In the meantime, I worked on another assignment that I had to redo.
Time went on. One day, I was at work, noticing a lot of things. Purple to me is a very lucky colour. Good always comes whenever I see it. And so when three people wore something purple on three separate occasions during my shift, I couldn't help but take that as a sign. I found out later that good did happen. I saw something on my phone that I never thought would happen.
My thesis had passed.
Eventually my other assignment would pass too.
And in April, I finally had a degree in hand.
It feels so surreal now to say that I've graduated. For as long as I can remember, I've always referred to myself as a student. Now that it's over, I feel... empty? I can't explain it. When you define yourself as something for so long and then that definition leaves you, what else is there?
I'm happy that I finally have a degree. I can look for full-time jobs, but there's a whole new set of challenges now. I'm applying for every librarian position I can find, but it's hard. Rejections and no interviews are commonplace now. I'm happy to at least have this job, even if the hours are few. There will be more in the future. I just need to have some trust.
